In A Heartbeat
by HaloNoir
Summary: Twenty years ago Remus Lupin was very much in love, now he reminisces on how he let this love slip through his fingers he remembers Lily Evans.


**In A Heartbeat**

He remembers it clearer now; no drunken stupor clouds his memories, like the last few years. It was halfway though seventh year when he told Lily to be with James. He had to tell her it was for the best, that James' loved her more than he ever could. He Lied.

"Listen to me Lily, I love you, but he loves you more."

"That's not true and you know it." Lily said with such a look combined of blind determination and absolute betrayal.

"Please Lily, it's for the best. He can give you all you need, all the best in li-"

"I don't want the best – I want you!"

"Lily, darling, this is my final word on the matter; I love you so much and I know this is the best for you."

All the best Glenfiddich in the world couldn't erase the memory of thelook on her face as he turned his back on her, he remembers.

But what make his chest tighten to breaking point are the interactions they had after they left Hogwarts. The first time they spoke was at their engagement dinner, after James and Sirius went to play quidditch in the back garden with some of their friends whilst Lily and he sat on the patio, watching.

"I've never seen James look so happy," He had mumbled, nervously trying to break the silence, "It's all thanks to you, you know."

Lily had drained the glass of rich red wine in her hand, before turning her jade eyes on him, "I know Remus, all thanks to me," she had looked briefly at her engagement ring before speaking again, "You know Remus, if I knew you would love me again I would leave in a minute."

Remus, had he not known that the glass of wine had been her only drink that night, would have suspected she were "Wasted out of her mind" to quote Sirius, but she was as sober as he.

He had left shortly after.

The next time he had spoken to her had been at the initiation of new members to the Order of the Phoenix, namely himself, Lily, James, Sirius and Peter – a great honour for them all. After the initiation they had had a few drinks with their new colleagues. James was talking animatedly, to a pretty witch, a good few years older than him, who was giggling constantly and batting her eyelashes flirtatiously. Again Remus and Lily had been left on the outside – looking in. It had been Lily this time who had broached the silence between them.

"I'm sorry about last time," She said simply, checking his reaction before plunging on, "I wasn't drunk though, and I meant it – every word."

She held her chin up defiantly, and making Remus wish all the more he were as strong as Lily – a true Gryffindor. But he had always personified the more tactful traits of Gryffindor, friendship, trust and care for others above himself. In the words of the great Sirius Black he was a "doormat".

"I just wanted you to know"

"I know" was all he had said. He regrets it now.

"And know, I will remind you until my dying day, what you could have had – what you still can."

Music had started playing then and she smilingly accepted a dance invitation from Albus. Leaving him alone in the cold.

On James and Lily's wedding day he had been relieved when she said nothing when he had collected her from her room to walk her down the aisle – he wasn't surprised that Sirius was best man. He had walked her down the aisle, trying his best to beam like a proud friend, not letting the mask slip. When he moved to sit down, she clasped his hands – like she would her father he told himself. When he had sat down there was a note in his hands which stated simply; **_In a second_**.

Back in the library of Hogwarts, at the age of thirty-seven he clasps a handwritten note, written inred on the back of a pale gold wedding invitation – which_she_ had charmed off the name of the groom and replaced it with another.

Remus pulled himself to his feet using the ancient shelves to steady himself. Stretching his arms above his head to relieve the tension in his back he made his way to the window overlooking the Hogwarts grounds and the lake. He remembered the last time he had spoken to Lily.

It had been the day before Halloween, 1981,he had been attempting to organise the last minute Halloween party Sirius and James had convinced him to host. He had overheard something he would rather not have though when the other men had been around. Sirius suspected him of beingthe traitor – how could he? He was incensed beyond rationality – did James think he was a traitor too? He had given him the love of his life for James, just to make him happy – but he reminded himself, James would never know, must never know.

That was how he had found himself in front of the home of the Potters in Godric's Hollow with one hand shoved into his pocket and the other on the bell chain. He regretted being there as soon as Lily's warm face and warmer red hair, fluffy and unruly, from cooking he would guess from the smells that rolled out of her home.

She merely opened the door and led him into the kitchen without a word. He had seen Harry sleeping soundly in a wooden cot in the far end of the kitchen. He had sat down on a chair at the kitchen counter and poured out his soul to her, all the while she nodded, tutted and mused at appropriate intervals, all the while removing different treats from the oven – for the party he supposed. When he was done he sat there quietly as she watched him.

"You know, my offer still stands. If you ask then I will leave and love you again – the way I should." She said quietly, almost reverently, as if the kitchen were a place of worship.

"Would you though?" He asked, knowing he had nothing but himself to offer. Suddenly a shrill cry cut though the holy silence, the desperate cry of an infant calling for his mother not to leave. Lily stood up from her seat and moved to go to her son.

"In a heartbeat."

He had taken that as his cue to leave, he would think long and hard on this issue.

The next morning he had woken up with a feeling he hadn't felt in a long time – so long he could not recognize it. It settled in the bottom of his stomach, gnawing away at him. He brushed it off as nothing, choosing to lie in bed and to think on his predicament.

After hours had passed he knew he could not ask her to come back to him – she had a son and she was married, to his best friend. And he knew that it would not take him long to get over his bitterness of his friends' lack of faith in him, but James would never recover from such a betrayal.

He had waited that night, for his friends to come, sitting in a room full of muggle Halloween decorations and a cheesy sound effect of "evil" laughter replaying, again and again.

They never came.

Instead an owl, white as the plastic skeletons in the room flew in though the open door - a ministry owl. When he had read the letter the feeling in his stomach grew and the world faded to black.

At the open window at Hogwarts nearlyseventeen later, an older, greyer Remus Lupin blinked away tears. He could not help but think, what if he had asked her to come back to him? Would that have saved James and Lily? Or would he have died in the place James? Would Harry still be the boy he was today, but with shaggy brown hair instead of black?

That was enough remembering, fantasising and mourning for one lifetime a friend had told him earlier that day and he found he agreed.

He turned to go, but stopped a moment to think. He turned back to the open window and placing a crumpled piece of parchment in the frame of the window, he drew his wand, and after placing a last kiss on the material he whispered "Incendio".

He drew back and watched the invitation shrivel and burn before being caught in a breeze and being swept over the grounds of Hogwarts.

For the first time in a long time Remus John Lupin genuinely smiled, and for the very last time he closed his eyes and visualised the invitation and watched it, in his mind's eye - burn. He opens his eyes.

"It's time to move on." He turns at the sound of the voice to see one Hermione Granger standing in the doorway of the library with one hand outstretched. He smiles, yes, he thinks, it is time.

_You are cordially invited to the wizarding union of:_

_Remus John Lupin_

_To_

_Lily Catherine Evans_

_On the 21st of June 1979_


End file.
